Another month gone by…

A month has gone by since I wrote last. I don’t know that I have regrets about not writing. Disappointments, sure. But I didn’t really feel like I could get the words out on “paper” that I needed. I promised a recap of the Twin Cities 10 Mile at one point, but I don’t think I have anything to say on that race yet. It was one of those “why am I doing this?” kind of races where I was so super down on myself that I called my parents sobbing afterward. I’ve done a lot of reflecting and not enough running since then. I know it isn’t good, because I am still registered for Disney in January. I’m trying to meet myself where I am, but it sure feels crummy.

However, I AM incredibly proud of my husband who completed his very first marathon. He is a badass, and seeing him cross that finish line was monumental.

The other highlight of my weekend was hearing my favorites speak at the Health & Fitness Expo. Sarah and Dimity are a constant source of reassurance for me. On the frequent days when I am plagued with doubt and bad thoughts, they make me feel like I can do hard things. They are such an inspiration, and it is so refreshing to hear from them…in person!

October held SO much chaos in our world. And in the midst of it all, our kiddo turned 4. I know most parents say this, but I cannot believe how fast she has grown. I cannot believe the incredibly insightful and funny and intelligent words that come out of her mouth. I cannot believe the level of compassion and understanding she has for the world. I cannot believe how fiery and determined and stubborn she is. She lives her life out loud, and I’m so blessed to see that.

Otherwise, we have just been up to the typical things. Pumpkins and Halloween movies and cider.

We’ve also been preparing for winter, which seems to have arrived this morning in full force. Snow, sleet, and gray. I didn’t make it out for my run this morning. Because that was a hard pill to swallow right away in the morning. I need to dig out my winter gear again. Before Halloween even hits. Oy.

The good people at Minneapolis Running generously published another piece of my writing today. I write about what it means to me to be a self-proclaimed “back-of-the-packer”: the doubts and fears and how those doubts and fears need to be kicked to the curb. I’m a work in progress, and I think this article shows it. But I think there are probably other runners who are works in progress, too. So maybe it’ll resonate with one of those people who has the same doubts and fears. Knowing you’re not alone is a huge, huge thing.

And we aren’t.

P.S. I’ve been catching back up on reading lately. So I am planning on doing more regular book-ish posts. Stay tuned. (And thank you for sticking with me, because I know it’s sometimes a damn long time to stay tuned.)

Further clarity and subsequent extreme amounts of gratitude

I am grateful. After my last blog post, I received warm comments and messages from quite a few people. It validated the fact that this blog is a good, positive part of my life. It also validated something else for me. Almost everyone who reached out expressed sentiments of, “Me too!” whether they were agreeing with weight issues, mental health issues, or just dealing with a rocky road. I hear you all. I am thinking of you all (even those who didn’t comment but had one of those, “Me too!” moments). And I am thankful you are here with me.

As I find the days until WDW 2018 passing quickly, it reaffirms the fact that I need to be taking good care of myself and sticking to my training plan.

Sidenote: Disney released pics of the medals for WDW Marathon weekend, and they are beautiful. Oh, Lordy, I hope I finish so I can get that sweet piece of bling.

I need to stick to what I know works, and I know consistently taking care of myself works. I’ve taken on a new conquest: heart rate training. And I must say I am an absolute convert. I submitted a guest blog post to Minneapolis Running detailing my experiences with heart rate training so far, so I won’t bore you with too many details. And lucky me, they posted it! Please take a look at it if you get a chance, and leave some love. They’re a great group of runners, and I’m grateful they give me an opportunity to write on a bigger platform.

I’m a planner, don’tcha know?

I will say I’m signed up through the Train Like A Mother club, and I heartily recommend it to anyone looking for a training plan + community + general awesomeness. I am #coachedandloved. And you know I can never pass up an opportunity to give a shoutout to the AMR crew.

#momlife

Other than that, you haven’t missed too terribly much of my life while I’ve been on my unplanned hiatus. Been preparing for a Star Wars bday party in October, getting super duper excited for SW VIII, and vacation preparations (I make a mean scheduling spreadsheet, y’all), which will undoubtedly include many Star Wars events…I’ve been proudly flying my geek flag lately.

Okay. I guess my kiddo had her first day of preschool. And she got a big kid bed. And my dog wore a cute hat. But only a few things other than that happened.

This seems like a good place to include this post from BookRiot. It spoke to me. Because Star Wars totally is and totally always has been a girl thing, too:

As a woman in her mid-30s, watching A New Hope and Princess Leia was very different than watching it as a kid. THIS—this was a princess I could support. This was a self-rescuing, take-no-shit princess who blasted Stormtroopers, sassed the guys who were sent to rescue her, and did it all in a dress, with those fantastic buns intact, not a hair out of place. Carrie Fisher the actress was no less amazing—a sharp-tongued, razor-wit individual who was unapologetic and open about her struggles and worked tirelessly to get rid of the stigma of bipolar disorder and drug abuse. 

Preach.

Alright. I’ll leave you with that. Hoping to get into some semblance of a schedule soon along with details of my actual running life and book life and all the things I actually made this blog to document.

Again. Thank you, and I’m sending light and love to YOU.

Just because.

Well. I’ve been absent again. It has been a long week, and I honestly haven’t even known what to write about. So I didn’t.

Except that I kinda did. Thank you so very much to the Minneapolis Running folks again for publishing another article of mine. I was able to tackle a tough subject that comes up frequently on my blog: mental health. I hope you enjoy it and find some use from it, even if you don’t have issues with your mental health.

ALSO! The next day, they hosted a live video with none other than Sarah Bowen Shea, who is honestly one of my very favorite people ever. I constantly rave over Another Mother Runner, so if you haven’t checked them out by now…honestly, what are you waiting for?

So now: let’s have a conversation and catch up a little. How have you been? How’s the fam?

Fine, thanks. Whatcha been eating lately?

I’ve really been continuing the effort to meal plan and prepare ahead of time. It makes my life sooooo much less stressful. We’ve tried several new recipes these past few weeks, and there have been hits and misses.

Quinoa goes over well with my kiddo and husband. Especially in more Mexican-centric dishes. Or cheesy. Stuffed pepper soup was my favorite. The creamy avocado pesto pasta above? Big fail. And not even good for leftovers, because I am not a fan of  the color/flavor of avocado when it’s more than a few minutes old.

I also jumped into the world of Shakeology. I’m sure most of you are familiar with it or have at least heard about it/read about it in your Facebook newsfeed. I’d been on the fence for quite sometime, because I try not to get too caught up in anything that is associated with MLM. But after forgetting to make breakfast for myself several days in a row, it seemed like something to at least try.

So far, I’m not disappointed one bit. It’s quick. I have a billion recipes to try, and I’ve loved the ones I’ve tried so far (including birthday cake, Kit Kat, sunshine creamsicle, and peanut butter cup). And it keeps me FULL. Fuller than I thought possible with a shake. I’ll continue to try this month and see how it goes, but it is a luxury that makes my mornings easier so far. Some days, I need all the help I can get.

Great. What have you been up to?

Not running. Oops, am I supposed to admit that? I ran a couple times last week. This week? Nada. Hubby is out of town for the whole week on a work trip, and I’ve been hopping. It is our last week of dance before summer, and it includes dance rehearsals and two recitals this weekend. Throw in an out-of-town work conference, two cats & one dog, and a kid with mood swings worse than a Sourpatch Kid? I’m fried. My house is a war-zone. I’m basically throwing kibble on the floor for all the critters to consume. I may have even bathed LJ with a few baby wipes at one point this week. (Don’t worry. She got a bath the next night.)

I literally found a plate of LJ’s dinner turned over on the living room floor last night. It had dried and crusted to the plate by the time it was flipped over, though, so the carpet was completely unscathed. An embarrassing sort of victory.

As for last weekend, Mother’s Day was…good. I am blessed to be a mom. I am blessed to have so many lovely women in my life and my daughter’s life. But it also is a day filled with inner-turmoil for me and for others, I know. For me, I have a fractured relationship with the person I most want to celebrate. I love her so very much, and I miss her. I hope things can be better some day, but that doesn’t make Mother’s Day less painful now.

The other person I want to celebrate with is my grandmother, whom I’ve written about in the past. She meant and still means so much to me, so LJ and I made a trip to visit her and Grandpa’s burial site. We talked with them, and LJ gave them many hugs and kisses. We brought flowers and thanked Grandma for being wonderful. We had conversations about life and death, and I was honest with LJ, even when it was painful for me and confusing for her. I won’t hide my grief, because I want her to know how amazing her great-grandma was.

Because hubby left the day before Mother’s Day, he and LJ both found ways to make me feel loved that weekend. They sent flowers to me at work on Saturday, and LJ slept in until 9:00 Sunday morning. What a darling.

What are you reading?

Oh, boy. I’ve got a gigantic TBR list, and I realized how far behind I am on my reading goal for the year. So I’ve been cruising through the chapters these last few days. I just finished a wonderful/tragic graphic novel called Last Things: A Graphic Memoir of Loss and Love by Marissa Moss. Highly recommended, but it will pull at your heart. This is a bleak one, but it captures the reality some people face when their loved one is faced with terminal illness.

I’m in the process of tackling Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a short read but I’m taking a little extra time to digest each “chapter.”

Also in line to finish up Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig soon.

Okay, great. Anything else?

I’m running the TC 10 Mile, thanks to the Mother Runner crew! I’m soooooo excited, because this was one of my favorite races ever. So I’m back in training-planning mode with a renewed energy. I’ll reach my goals someday, and this was a big boost.

Also, this is my workplace, and I love it. Especially when the sky is shiny happy:

This post ended up being much longer than anticipated. Hopefully I learn to break it up a little bit in the future, but you know how I operate…silence and then surprise.

10/15/16: Sorta Not-Silent Saturday

Whew. Every time I say, I’m not going to take any more breaks from blogging, then I take a big break. I don’t know what it is. I apparently am very rebellious against my own good intentions.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week since my 10-miler. I’m caught between being proud of what I accomplished and wishing I had done so much better. Hoping I can do better. Making plans to do better.

That, and Dino-Toddler got a cold. And there has been some chaos at the library. (More chaos than the usual chaos.) And I’ve felt a cold coming on the last few days.

Excuses aside, I promised a recap of the TC 10-Mile. I can honestly say it was a fabulous experience, beginning to end. I already wrote a bit about the expo, and packet pick-up at the expo was a dream. Very smooth process. Very short lines. In, out, done. I had so much fun looking at all the booths and yearning for ALL THE THINGS. I bought more than I should have, but there were so many neat things to be excited about if you’re into running stuff.

Sunday morning, we took off from home bright and early. (5:15 AM? I think? I don’t know, I didn’t have my eyes open.) Smooth ride up, and we parked at Ramp B at Target Field. It was chilly, so I felt pretty guilty dragging my husband, mother-in-law, and almost-3-year-old outside so early in the morning. We walked to the light rail and rode the train to Government Plaza.

We danced around for a few minutes trying to stay warm, but it was a well-organized crowd, and there were plenty of open porta-potties when we got there. Perfect.

She wasn’t…thrilled.

Ready or not.

Then, I  said my goodbyes, tried to focus on not throwing up, got in my corral (the last of all corrals, because I’m a turtle), and enjoyed the beginnings of the sunrise. It did take awhile to get to the start line, because there were a few waves of runners before me. But when I got going, I was immediately greeted by a gorgeous sunrise and lovely views. I felt so motivated, and I accidentally ran a 12:30 mile. That is way too fast for me, but I had so much adrenaline. Rookie mistake. Luckily, I don’t think it cost me too much later.

Lots of motivation

on my arms when I needed it

I cannot say enough about the on-course support for this run. The volunteers were amazing and motivating and ready with so many kind words. The traffic control and police were cheering us on, and many of them had high-fives waiting for us. The spectators had funny signs that made me smile when I needed it and so many encouraging words. I teared up several times, because I seemed to come across motivation at the exact times I needed it most. People are beautiful, and this sport proves that all the time.

When I got to the finish line, it was lined with so many people. I’m sure they were waiting there for the first marathon finishers (because I’m fairly far back in the pack, the first marathon finishers weren’t too far behind me), but they cheered for me and for other 10-milers coming in just the same. The medal is epic. My arms were filled with snacks and treats as I left the line. I met up with my supportive and amazing family soon after, and I celebrated/moved through the rest of the day in a bit of a haze.

If anyone is considering a 10-mile race, I would most certainly recommend this one. Phenomenal organization, views, and support. You won’t regret it.

And now, I go to bed so I can get some rest for the Mankato 10K tomorrow morning. My hubby is running his first half-marathon, and I’m excited to cheer for him as he crosses the finish line! I guess my next post will probably be a recap from this weekend, and I’m hoping it comes a little sooner than this one did.

I’ll be spending some time reflecting this next week on my goals, where I want to go, and how I will get there. It’s time to buckle down, and I want to be the best possible me I can.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

10/9/16: Say it LOUD Sunday!

I started.

I finished.

I celebrated. (DT slept.)

Full recap tomorrow.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

10/7/16: Friday So-Many-Favorites

GAH. I’ve had a big day when it comes to the running portion of my life. Today was the Twin Cities in Motion Health & Fitness Expo.

SOOOOOO many things to do/see/buy. I told my bank account it would hurt, but I don’t think it could have imagined the pain I’d inflict on it.

Okay, it wasn’t that bad. But still a little painful.

Most importantly, I was able to see Dimity and Sarah from Another Mother Runner speak. And they uplifted my spirit so very much in a time when I really need it. They topic was “Enjoy and Excel: How to Race Like a Mother.” They had so many good suggestions and tips I hadn’t really thought of.

Two really amazing people. I owe so much to them, and I wish I knew how to thank them. I think they’ve changed a lot of lives.

I have a lot of doubts about myself and my abilities. I spend a lot of time telling myself, “You suck. You can’t run. You should quit.” And Dimity reminded me of something. You should never say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your friends. I would NEVER tell my friends they suck or they can’t run or they should quit. I would tell them, “Keep going! You got this! You are only racing against yourself. You are amazing!”

So why don’t I tell myself these things? Mentally, I think I need to work harder at making positive statements toward myself during my long runs in particular. I’ll be starting that ASAP (on Sunday, of course).

Tips for keeping a toddler entertained when you really wanna listen to a presentation: headphones, Daniel Tiger,…

…and snacks.

Obviously, I had to get some swag, and I’m super in love with it. The sweatshirt is so soft and I’m already wearing it and I may never take it off. And what’s better than a #BAMNR shirt?

So now…I prepare. I plan on getting some good rest tomorrow, laying out my “Flat Cassie,” (see: “Laying out your Clothes“), and maybe fitting in an easy yoga/meditation sesh.

I’m going to run Sunday in a beautiful race. I’m going to do it for me and my daughter and my husband and my health and my future. I’m going to be okay.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

10/6/16: Thankful Thursday

Today is a day that makes me think I have finally crossed the bridge from “I am losing it” to “I have lost it.” My mind is so consumed with the 10-miler this weekend and a million other things I have to get done, and it is no longer just an internal battle between the voices in my head.

First, I received an email from the organizers of the Mankato Marathon weekend with information for participants and spectators. I was confused, because why would I receive this? My husband is running the half-marathon, but how did they know I’d be spectating?

Oh, turns out I’m actually a participant. I have no recollection of this, but I apparently registered for the 10k that Sunday. So I guess I’ll be going for a trifecta: a 10k last weekend, a 10-miler this weekend, and a 10k next weekend.

After that revelation, I made myself some lunch before work (I have the late shift today). Leftover chili and a spinach salad. Only when I started adding the dressing to my salad, I realized it wasn’t my salad. I was in the process of adding creamy poppyseed dressing to my chili. I screamed, “What the truck are you doing?!” at myself, except truck may not have been the word I used, but you weren’t there so you don’t know. And then I scooped out what I could and ate it anyway. Maybe I need to start hitting it a little harder in the “mindfulness” practice.

It’s really hard to take a picture of yourself doing bridges on the wall. And it probably defeats the purpose.

Because of this, I’m going to keep my thankfuls short and sweet.

1. YOU, you magnificent sparkly humans: I’m thankful for all the new likes on my FB page and new blog followers! And of course for the followers who have been here for a while. You all are amazing, and I’d make you some super yummy donuts if I knew how to make donuts and ship them cost-effectively. They’d have heart-shaped sprinkles on them and everything. Unless you don’t like sprinkles. I dig a good glaze, too.
2. Toddler art: Okay, two-year-olds aren’t master artists or painters. I get that. But I think each parent melts a little when their kiddo brings home a scribbly picture or finger painting they’re really damn proud of. It’s just another thing that reminds me of how much she is growing.
3. Chocolate: I don’t think this even needs a description.

All right, off I go! Tomorrow is packet pick-up, and I’m hoping to have some good pictures/reports of my adventures at the Health & Fitness Expo. Dino-toddler will be accompanying me. I’m charging the iPad and packing her brand new Elsa headphones as we speak.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

P.S. My new Momentum Jewelry arrived yesterday! Super fast shipping. I LURVE it. And I want more. They’re running a #spreadtheSPARK promo this month. Check it out.

And a cameo from my RoadID.

10/5/16: Whatever Wednesday

With the changing seasons (YES I KNOW I KEEP BRINGING THIS UP!), is anyone else getting excited for holiday themed races? If you’re a Minnesotan, maybe you’ll enjoy this post from Minneapolis Running on holiday themed races in the area. Is anyone planning on attending one of these or any others in the next few months? Let me know! I’m getting my race calendar going and would love to meet up with some folks.

Not sure who made this (found it on a random forum), but I give credit to them and want to be their friend.

I am super nervous today…and yesterday and the day before, and I will be tomorrow and the rest of the week, too. The TC 10-Mile is coming up in 4 days. That’s four days. F-O-U-R. When I started running, I was fairly nervous for 5Ks. Now, those don’t seem like such a big deal. But now that I’ve been increasing my mileage for training and races, the nerves have been firing back up again. And this will be the longest race I’ve ever run, not to mention only the second time I’ve ever run 10 miles. The first time didn’t go great, and now my tummy is sloshy with lots of butterflies doing backflips when I think of the obstacles ahead this Sunday.

Luckily, I have a lot of reading material with helpful suggestions and reminders that I should just enjoy myself.

• Minneapolis Running has tips for boosting your TC Marathon weekend experience.
• I am SO excited Dimity and SBS from Another Mother Runner will be at the expo and presenting! Can’t wait to get my hands on that merch. I apologize to my bank account in advance. This weekend is gonna hurt.
• I’m not part of Moms on the Run, but I sure wish I were. Maybe a franchise will make its way here eventually. Still, I receive their updates, and lots of MOTR are getting ready for the weekend. More helpful hints here.

If you need me, I’ll be perusing my participant guide, highlighting the spectator guide for the hubby and Dino-Toddler, and popping Tums.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

P.S. If you’re looking for something not-really-running-related, I actually liked the simple advice from the NYT on how to be mindful with Facebook. I think many people could use this reminder from time to time, including me!

10/3/16: Manic Monday, the Chocolate Edition

Wait, it’s October? When the hell did that happen?

Seriously, though. I was just maybe kind of adjusting to the fact that it was September. And here comes October shooting in all HEY, THE PARTY IS HERE.

With the end of September came the MLA conference. I love being a librarian, and I learned even more about librarianing. Sometimes, it’s good to take a step back and remember why I chose to be a part of this career. I have so many ideas of things I’d love to do, if I can just embrace the passion and move forward. It was also in Duluth, my favorite city in the history of forever. I didn’t get to embrace the Duluth life as much as I would have liked. (C’mon, I had to wake up at 3:00 AM on Thursday morning to get to the conference in time!) But it inspired me in many ways while I was there. Hoping we can plan a mini-vacay there in the next few months.

With the beginning of October came the Chocoholic Frolic 10(-ish) k run. Although I thoroughly enjoy any run that has chocolate as the main perk, there were a few things I hope they can work to improve in the future.

1. DISTANCE: Most importantly, I finished and noticed my GPS only recorded 5.5 miles. This was billed as a 10k, which is supposed to be 6.2. May seem like a petty thing to some, but this served as a training/taper session for me, and I count on those miles. Hopefully next year, they can offer this again but be a little more careful with measuring their distance. I know I am not the only one who had an issue with this.
2. Time: So not only did the 10k start after the 5k (I like it when the longer distance goes first, because it takes…y’know, longer.), the 10k didn’t even start until 10:00. By this point, the sun was up and blaring. I ended up feeling slow and trudging along (even more so than usual), and I was a sweaty, stinky mess by the end. I know this is more of a fun run, but even just switching the times for the 10k and 5k would have helped. Maybe there were some course considerations regarding this, but it makes me feel very divided on signing up for this again.
3. Where am I going?!: I’m not talking about the course here. In fact, the course guides and police officers were helpful, encouraging, and just generally awesome. I’m talking about actually getting to the start line. Despite the fact that we paid $10 to park in one of the recommended event day parking lots, there was no signage indicating where we should actually go. We had to follow a few people who looked like they knew where they were going, and we also listened for the music. When we actually arrived at the course, I couldn’t tell if the inflatable arches I was looking at were the start or the finish. I had to walk around for a while to find another set of arches labeled “FINISH” and then figure out where the start line was by process of elimination.

Despite all of this, the day was gorgeous. The views were beautiful. The hills were terrible, but maybe that’s preparing me for next week’s 10-miler? I don’t know. At the very least, I had the sound of my biggest little fan in my head. As I left her and the hubby to line up, I could hear her repeating, “GO, MAMA, GO!” over and over again. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t add some extra pep to my step.

Before I was a sweaty gross mess!

She’s holding my knee after I told her it hurt.

So now I’m just sitting here…uber nervous for Sunday. I am hoping that the conditions in and of themselves lead to a better run/finish. I have so many things on my mind lately, and nighttime isn’t even a respite. I get little rest with the vivid dreams and nightmares, and I wake up feeling drained and wondering whether a IV of caffeine might be worth it.

I guess I’ll be back tomorrow, hopefully on a bit more positive of a note. Step-by-step and day-by-day.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie