Tag Archives: Blah

Another month gone by…

A month has gone by since I wrote last. I don’t know that I have regrets about not writing. Disappointments, sure. But I didn’t really feel like I could get the words out on “paper” that I needed. I promised a recap of the Twin Cities 10 Mile at one point, but I don’t think I have anything to say on that race yet. It was one of those “why am I doing this?” kind of races where I was so super down on myself that I called my parents sobbing afterward. I’ve done a lot of reflecting and not enough running since then. I know it isn’t good, because I am still registered for Disney in January. I’m trying to meet myself where I am, but it sure feels crummy.

However, I AM incredibly proud of my husband who completed his very first marathon. He is a badass, and seeing him cross that finish line was monumental.

The other highlight of my weekend was hearing my favorites speak at the Health & Fitness Expo. Sarah and Dimity are a constant source of reassurance for me. On the frequent days when I am plagued with doubt and bad thoughts, they make me feel like I can do hard things. They are such an inspiration, and it is so refreshing to hear from them…in person!

IMG_0803[1]

October held SO much chaos in our world. And in the midst of it all, our kiddo turned 4. I know most parents say this, but I cannot believe how fast she has grown. I cannot believe the incredibly insightful and funny and intelligent words that come out of her mouth. I cannot believe the level of compassion and understanding she has for the world. I cannot believe how fiery and determined and stubborn she is. She lives her life out loud, and I’m so blessed to see that.

Otherwise, we have just been up to the typical things. Pumpkins and Halloween movies and cider.

We’ve also been preparing for winter, which seems to have arrived this morning in full force. Snow, sleet, and gray. I didn’t make it out for my run this morning. Because that was a hard pill to swallow right away in the morning. I need to dig out my winter gear again. Before Halloween even hits. Oy.

The good people at Minneapolis Running generously published another piece of my writing today. I write about what it means to me to be a self-proclaimed “back-of-the-packer”: the doubts and fears and how those doubts and fears need to be kicked to the curb. I’m a work in progress, and I think this article shows it. But I think there are probably other runners who are works in progress, too. So maybe it’ll resonate with one of those people who has the same doubts and fears. Knowing you’re not alone is a huge, huge thing.

And we aren’t.

47a1eed0-a9b7-4e13-945e-cddd6077c425-597-00000079c640bb65

P.S. I’ve been catching back up on reading lately. So I am planning on doing more regular book-ish posts. Stay tuned. (And thank you for sticking with me, because I know it’s sometimes a damn long time to stay tuned.)

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fitness Friday: 5 Quotes for When You “Just Can’t” + Free Printables

I don’t think it’s a secret that I’ve been having trouble with finding motivation lately. Okay, maybe this has been an issue most of my life. I don’t think I’m alone, though. I hear echoes of others who have days or weeks or months or years where they feel their brains or bodies or hearts yelling, “I JUST CAN’T” at them.

And sometimes, it’s okay to allow your brain and your body and your heart to tell you those things.

There are days, though, when I really, really desperately want to be able to do the things I know will make me feel better. Like running. On those days, I often rely on words to light a fire in me. Since I’m a librarian, it also should come as no surprise that I believe words can have a huge impact, whether for good or for evil.

Scenario: Maybe you’re really excited about this new dress you’re wearing today, but then someone says, “That pattern is…interesting.” And maybe it’s an interesting pattern, but the way they said it, what did that mean? Does this even look good on you? It probably looks terrible. What were you even thinking buying it? You don’t look good in anything.

Four words. Four words were all it took to crack your confidence.

Scenario: Maybe you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. And then your toddler had a meltdown because you didn’t cut the crusts off her toast. The cat threw up and you stepped in it while wearing your favorite pair of socks (that ironically have cute little kittens on them). And your hair just won’t lay right and you smeared your eyeliner right after you put it on and you forgot to pack a lunch and wait, did you even remember to eat breakfast?

Then your kid tugs on your shirt and says, “I love you so much, Mama.”

Six words. Six words stop you in your tracks and melt your heart.

Again, words can have impact in big and little ways that add up.

So when I surround myself with motivation, I find myself feeling better. Here are a few of  my favorite quotes when it comes to running and getting myself moving when I really just can’t.

Clear your mind of can't

Clear your mind of ‘can’t’.

It might sound simple, and in a way, it is. Often, my mind is my biggest enemy. It tells me what it thinks I can and can’t do. And a lot of times, it’s just plain wrong. If I do my best to remove “CAN’T” from my vocabulary, I’m not giving myself the option of giving up. Unless of course I’m saying to my mind, “You CAN’T stop me.”

DON'T STOP. Poster

You will want to stop. Don’t.

Relating to the last one, I try to make myself believe I am unstoppable. It is so easy to think, “I’m tired! I won’t make it another mile! It’s time to stop.”

Barring injury, illness, or overtraining, don’t let your mind fool you. You can keep going, and you are so much stronger than you even know.

Hard things and impossible things

Hard things take time to do. Impossible things take a little longer.

One of the biggest things I struggle with is patience. I am not a patient person, but my body wasn’t built to be a get-fit-quick machine. Very few people have quick results while training or losing weight or getting healthier. If they do have quick results, the results sometimes aren’t long-lasting.

Dimity (from my all time favorite crew: Another Mother Runner) reminds me that the things I feel are hard will take time, but they will be so worth it. And the things I don’t think I can possibly do right now? They’ll take time, too, but I WILL get there.

If you can't fly...MLK Quote

If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.

Okay, going back to that first quote: remember when I said to eliminate “can’t” from your vocabulary? Well, scratch that. Sometimes, there are literally times you cannot do something. You may be putting yourself at risk if you do, or maybe you just deserve some rest.

For me, this quote was particularly relevant during my injury. I couldn’t run. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t bear weight on my foot. It was excruciating, both physically and mentally. But I knew I had to keep going and moving forward. It was the only way to heal.

However you apply this quote to yourself, make sure you only give yourself the opportunities to move forward in life. Learn from your past and keep going, full steam ahead. Don’t keep looking backward. You’re not going that way.

-It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities.--Albus Dumbledore

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

You didn’t think I would let you get away without a little book geekiness in here, did you? Although this quote isn’t directly about running, I have attached it deeply to running and many other parts of my life.

When I make the choice to get out of bed and lace up, that is what is important. My pace doesn’t matter. My mileage doesn’t matter. I need to stop beating myself up for feeling like I’m slow or bad or any other negative descriptor. I made a choice to defeat some sinister negative force, and there’s a little bit of magic in that.

Plus, Dumbledore quotes never get old.


As a special treat, please feel free to download the PDF versions of the images above. I made these as pretty little reminders for myself, but I’d love to share them if you feel like you could pull them out on a rough day.

Download “Clear your mind of can’t.”
Download “You will want to stop. Don’t.”
Download “Hard things…Impossible things…”
Download “If you can’t fly, run…”
Download “It is our choices…”


So what are your thoughts, my friends? What helps you to lace up when you don’t want to? How do you defeat the “I can’t” trolls? Please feel free to share a tip or a favorite quote below. You know I can’t get enough of those good ol’ words!

SHOP

Tagged , , , , , , ,

A Happy Place

Sometimes, I go days and weeks without blogging. Sometimes, I check out for days or weeks or months. That’s just a reality of who I am. That’s the reality of living with a mental illness. Even when you’re managing it, sometimes you’re just not “managing.”

This time, I wasn’t particularly sad. It wasn’t a dark-dark-dark time. No, it was just…nothingness. I couldn’t get a grip on my day-to-day operations, and it made blogging seem like a mountain I just didn’t have the energy or equipment to climb. Insurmountable. So I took it easy on myself, and I worked to forgive myself for this and several other things I sacrificed for a few weeks. I celebrated lots of days without pressuring myself to do more than I was capable of.

IMG_8818[1]

Today, I feel a little better. There’s that little spark of warmth in my gut telling me that brighter and stronger times are coming. Which is good. Because the days are soaring past, and I’m watching the calendar get closer to my two big races (1 & 2) of fall. I have a solid training plan set before me. I will move forward.

This morning’s run was humid, but that’s not atypical for this time of year. Still, it leaves me feeling pretty sweaty and gucky afterward. Even after a shower to cool off, I still sweat. And by the time I quit sweating, it’s time to go outside so I can climb in my stuffy car and start sweating again and go to work. Vicious cycle.

IMG_9187[1]

Sweaty selfie. This iPhone camera was kind to me. I swear, I was drenched. 

This past weekend was spent in Duluth, which I have officially deemed my “happy place.” It’s a city I adore on a big ol’ lake I can’t ever stop staring at. Again this year, I failed to get a shoreline run in, but relaxation and sleeping in trumped it. No regrets. (Not many, at least.)

Other than that, life has been filled with the day-to-day minutia of summer. Two weeks from now, we will be with family on a houseboating trip. And then it’s August already. I know a lot of people ask the question, “Where does the time go?” But srsly.

I don’t have much of substance to leave you with. For my bookclub, though, we did read one of my favorite books in the history of the universe. And although I love it for the big, soul-warming laughs it gives me, I also have many quotes about mental health and mental illness underlined, starred, and dog-eared in my copy. I’ll leave you with one that stands out to me every time I read or listen to it (yes, I own the digital audiobook, too).

“Without the dark there isn’t light. Without the pain there is no relief. And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness. I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again. I am privileged to be able to recognize that the sound of laughter is a blessing and a song, and to realize that the bright hours spent with my family and friends are extraordinary treasures to be saved, because those same moments are a medicine, a balm. Those moments are a promise that life is worth fighting for, and that promise is what pulls me through when depression distorts reality and tries to convince me otherwise.”

-Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Wishing you light.

SHOP

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Just because.

Well. I’ve been absent again. It has been a long week, and I honestly haven’t even known what to write about. So I didn’t.

Except that I kinda did. Thank you so very much to the Minneapolis Running folks again for publishing another article of mine. I was able to tackle a tough subject that comes up frequently on my blog: mental health. I hope you enjoy it and find some use from it, even if you don’t have issues with your mental health.

ALSO! The next day, they hosted a live video with none other than Sarah Bowen Shea, who is honestly one of my very favorite people ever. I constantly rave over Another Mother Runner, so if you haven’t checked them out by now…honestly, what are you waiting for?

So now: let’s have a conversation and catch up a little. How have you been? How’s the fam?

Fine, thanks. Whatcha been eating lately?

I’ve really been continuing the effort to meal plan and prepare ahead of time. It makes my life sooooo much less stressful. We’ve tried several new recipes these past few weeks, and there have been hits and misses.

Quinoa goes over well with my kiddo and husband. Especially in more Mexican-centric dishes. Or cheesy. Stuffed pepper soup was my favorite. The creamy avocado pesto pasta above? Big fail. And not even good for leftovers, because I am not a fan of  the color/flavor of avocado when it’s more than a few minutes old.

img_75871.jpg

I also jumped into the world of Shakeology. I’m sure most of you are familiar with it or have at least heard about it/read about it in your Facebook newsfeed. I’d been on the fence for quite sometime, because I try not to get too caught up in anything that is associated with MLM. But after forgetting to make breakfast for myself several days in a row, it seemed like something to at least try.

So far, I’m not disappointed one bit. It’s quick. I have a billion recipes to try, and I’ve loved the ones I’ve tried so far (including birthday cake, Kit Kat, sunshine creamsicle, and peanut butter cup). And it keeps me FULL. Fuller than I thought possible with a shake. I’ll continue to try this month and see how it goes, but it is a luxury that makes my mornings easier so far. Some days, I need all the help I can get.

Great. What have you been up to?

Not running. Oops, am I supposed to admit that? I ran a couple times last week. This week? Nada. Hubby is out of town for the whole week on a work trip, and I’ve been hopping. It is our last week of dance before summer, and it includes dance rehearsals and two recitals this weekend. Throw in an out-of-town work conference, two cats & one dog, and a kid with mood swings worse than a Sourpatch Kid? I’m fried. My house is a war-zone. I’m basically throwing kibble on the floor for all the critters to consume. I may have even bathed LJ with a few baby wipes at one point this week. (Don’t worry. She got a bath the next night.)

I literally found a plate of LJ’s dinner turned over on the living room floor last night. It had dried and crusted to the plate by the time it was flipped over, though, so the carpet was completely unscathed. An embarrassing sort of victory.

As for last weekend, Mother’s Day was…good. I am blessed to be a mom. I am blessed to have so many lovely women in my life and my daughter’s life. But it also is a day filled with inner-turmoil for me and for others, I know. For me, I have a fractured relationship with the person I most want to celebrate. I love her so very much, and I miss her. I hope things can be better some day, but that doesn’t make Mother’s Day less painful now.

The other person I want to celebrate with is my grandmother, whom I’ve written about in the past. She meant and still means so much to me, so LJ and I made a trip to visit her and Grandpa’s burial site. We talked with them, and LJ gave them many hugs and kisses. We brought flowers and thanked Grandma for being wonderful. We had conversations about life and death, and I was honest with LJ, even when it was painful for me and confusing for her. I won’t hide my grief, because I want her to know how amazing her great-grandma was.

Because hubby left the day before Mother’s Day, he and LJ both found ways to make me feel loved that weekend. They sent flowers to me at work on Saturday, and LJ slept in until 9:00 Sunday morning. What a darling.

What are you reading?

Oh, boy. I’ve got a gigantic TBR list, and I realized how far behind I am on my reading goal for the year. So I’ve been cruising through the chapters these last few days. I just finished a wonderful/tragic graphic novel called Last Things: A Graphic Memoir of Loss and Love by Marissa Moss. Highly recommended, but it will pull at your heart. This is a bleak one, but it captures the reality some people face when their loved one is faced with terminal illness.

I’m in the process of tackling Dear Ijeawele, or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a short read but I’m taking a little extra time to digest each “chapter.”

Also in line to finish up Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig soon.

Okay, great. Anything else?

I’m running the TC 10 Mile, thanks to the Mother Runner crew! I’m soooooo excited, because this was one of my favorite races ever. So I’m back in training-planning mode with a renewed energy. I’ll reach my goals someday, and this was a big boost.

Also, this is my workplace, and I love it. Especially when the sky is shiny happy:

IMG_7629[1]

This post ended up being much longer than anticipated. Hopefully I learn to break it up a little bit in the future, but you know how I operate…silence and then surprise.

SHOP

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Grumpy Snow Owl

It’s April 27th, and I saw tiny snowflakes falling from the sky as I let the dog out this morning. She frolicked with happiness. I turned grumpy.

giphy1

Re-enactment. We share a stunning resemblance, though, don’t we?

I also have a case of the grumps, though, because I haven’t run in a while. I’m rather run down instead. I’ve had a cold for two weeks now, and I just really wish I could breathe out of my nose and that my eyes weren’t itchy and that my head didn’t feel so gummed up. I also feel like sleeping for days.

I’m being hard on myself for not running, but at the same time, it’s kind of a relief to allow myself some time to recuperate. Usually, I push through my illnesses and train anyway. This time, though? I’m stepping back. Perhaps it’s something to do with the lousy nature of my last long run. Perhaps it’s something bigger. I have some decisions to make, though, and they will have an effect on the future of my running “career.” (Career? Hobby? Lifestyle? I am not sure how to address it.)

I’m considering starting at level 1, if that makes any sense. And I’ll see where that takes me. My ankle injury is reverberating longer than I had expected, and I just don’t feel ready for going too long-distance at this time. After my last run, my heart isn’t in it. I’m trying to re-vamp too many other things in my life right now: eating, self-reflection, meditation/yoga. All things that will give me more peace before I begin rigorously training again. Don’t get me wrong. I love running, and I don’t want to quit it. I still have my big goals to achieve, and I want to get there soon!

But I have to help the other “pieces” of my life fall in place first. I can’t train and lose weight at the same time. I can’t incorporate as much meditation and yoga as I want when I’m trying to keep my mileage high. Maybe other people have a propensity for these things. I just don’t right now.

I don’t know where all this rambling leaves me, and kudos to you if you’ve made it this far. I do know I want to continue blogging with a focus on running and health and mamahood. I like getting my thoughts out on virtual paper, and I hope I’ve been able to give something good to the wonderful people who read this as well.

For today, though…I’m going to focus on each day as it comes. I’m going to try to do things that bring me joy at that very moment in time. I hope find the time and effort to do the same.

SHOP

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Goldy’s 10 Mile Recap

After a day to recover from Goldy’s 10 Mile run and digest the experience, I’m still feeling a little defeated and worse for the wear. Usually, no matter my time, I feel a sense of accomplishment. This time, though? I was left wondering, “Why do I do this?

This isn’t to say anything bad about the race. This is a wonderful race in a beautiful city that I adore! But boy, did this route beat me up. As a librarian, I’m kicking myself for not researching a little better. I should have taken a closer look at the elevation map beforehand. Oh! the hills. I felt grossly unprepared for the hills.

And I ended up experiencing the same issue with my toes seizing up that I had experienced during the Get Lucky race mid-March. I had assumed my toes were cold, and this is why I had trouble with the muscles doing very odd things. But yesterday was picture perfect weather. Alas, I still had moments where I couldn’t go more than a few steps without feeling like I had talons in my shoes.

e28e23216db21573490bc6bea79b46d4

Photo reenactment of the contents of my shoes during miles 6.5-10

Now that I’m aware this isn’t just an issue of “cold feet,” I’m going to have to experiment again with new shoes. I think the toebox on the ASICS Gel Kayano 23s is narrower than on the 22s (which are my favorite shoe of all time, but no longer available in my size/width). So I’m on the hunt for a good pair of stability shoes with a roomy toebox. Let me know if you think of something that fits the bill. Running is expensive, no matter what “they” say.

Back to Goldy Gopher.

Pre-race, it was much easier this year to park and get to the stadium. Last year, we faced some major traffic jams on the highway. Hubby knew better this time, and he navigated us there with ease. My wonderful aunt joined us for the ride, as she was also running the 10 mile, and we made it in plenty of time to wait in the long potty line. (What we didn’t realize is that there were plenty more Porta Pottys around the corner, so we probably would have had half the wait time.)

We were a little confused at first and almost ended up in the 5k waiting area, but we finally heard an announcement over the speakers that 10 mile runners needed to be toward the front. We hurried ahead of the cutoff rope and took our places at the back of the pack.

Then…we were off! Lots of fanfare and cheering at the beginning, and the sun was just rising higher in the sky. The little breeze was welcome. I’m not used to running in sunlight after a long, dark winter!

The first couple of miles were nice. I kept a steady pace and enjoyed the scenery.

And then I hit the first hill. It wasn’t so bad, because I power-walked most of it. But I made the mistake of thinking, “Well, that must have been the bad one. Glad that’s done.”

It wasn’t done. There were several “rolling” hills that kept me huffing and puffing along. Once I hit a decent downhill in the middle, I ran far longer than my usual interval time, because I knew I was trying to make up for a lot of lost time.

I was definitely back of the pack. It gets lonely back there, though. I find the longer the distance, the more isolated I feel. There were intermittent runners on the trails, though (not participants in the race) who gave kind waves and smiles and “You got this! Way to go!”s. It helped immensely.

By the time I hit the last big hill at mile 8.5, I was just done. I threw a little pity party and allowed myself to walk most of the way. And by “allowed” myself, I mean I didn’t have a choice at times…if I ran too far, the talons reared their ugly claws.

Ending on the field in TCF Bank Stadium was a good pick-me-up, though. It is fun, and even though I was one of the final few 10 milers, I still felt energized by the crowd and atmosphere. And I was really excited to suck down a bottle of water (ended up being two!) just past the finish line.

To repeat myself, this is a fun race. I think it’s worth it if you prepare yourself. It’s well-organized and a very fun crowd! You should challenge yourself, and this is an awesome way to do it if you’re not used to hills.

Though I’m still feeling defeated, I am also motivated. To do better. To be better. I know I can. I will have to work my ass off (literally) to achieve, but I cannot let this stop me. Even though I felt like it was one of my worst runs, I still crossed that start line, and I crossed that finish line.

Onward.

Cassie

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

3/27/17: Manic Monday (MIA Edition)

I fail to have a great reason why I took a week off from this ol’ blog. Last week was busy at work, and I have been keeping a cold at bay. But those things are par for the course in my life. Let’s blow the dust off the pages here and get started with a brand new week!
How was your weekend? Mine was average. I worked Saturday, so that often makes it feel disjointed and not so much like a weekend. I was successful at getting some cleaning/organizing done around the house. After my long, bleak, can’t-get-off-the-couch weeks, my house is finally starting to look like a place where people could survive. And maybe even thrive?

As I mentioned, I started feeling an inkling of a cold last Thursday. Friday morning, I hit the Vitamin C/power food train hard starting off with a delicious smoothie. I’m still stuffy and have a scratchy throat, but I’m pushing it off as long as I can.

img_6747

This morning’s run was a relief after my brain was on overdrive this weekend. I am getting more and more excited for the days when I won’t have to pull on gloves and a hat and long leggings and multiple layers. I can’t wait to just hop out of bed, lace up, and go.


Without further ado, here are a few short-ish reads for a manic Monday:

  • This article gives a perspective I hadn’t read before. And I can certainly relate. Sometimes, I have longer stretches of time where I don’t run, and I feel myself slipping. For me, it’s not the people around me telling me to go for a run. It’s my own conscience making me feel guilty and lazy and like I can’t even help myself. This is a reminder of what can happen if I slip too far and how hard it is to get back up again. I am so glad this author chose to write about this.
  • Podcasts are awesome. Need some running ones? Look here. Want some non-running recommendations? AMR has you covered. Do you have podcasts you like that aren’t on these lists? Because I’m always open for recommendations.
  • I could watch this video for hours. Also, I’m pretty sure these ducks run faster than me.
  • I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you libraries are important, and I’m glad mainstream media sources (if you can consider Cosmo one of those?) know it, too. The American Library Association can send out a million emails and articles with calls to action, but who usually reads those articles? Librarians and library support staff. Getting the word out to more people is critical at this point.

Well, that was more reading material than I had initially planned. I hope you have a lovely evening, and I plan on “chatting” with you again soon.

Cassie

Tagged , , , , , , ,

3/16/17: Thankful Thursday

This week, post-8.7 mile race, I’ve been a whole lot better at horizontal running than actual running. I think that’s bound to happen now and again. I’ve been keeping up on my strength and cardio except for a bummer-kind-of-day yesterday. Back at it tonight.

yzophfgsavld2

Nevertheless, I am ready to be thankful today. This semi-weekly ritual has helped me keep a good perspective on life when I need it most. I have a good life, and some days I just have to fight the brain ninjas who are trying to tell me otherwise.

  1. Mother Runners: especially those ones who just get it. Adrienne Martini sums it up so well this week when she says, “I tell you this not to show off — although sometimes the knowledge of how bad one’s ass must be to run in this awfulness gets me through the worst of it — but to assure you that every single mother runner you know gets what it is like to push through and get it done. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns out there all of the time. There are months when it is grindingly bleh to be a BAMR. Still, we keep going.
    These months are difficult for me. My energy level is lower-than-low, and all I want to do is snuggle in a blankie and hide from the world. The BAMR community, in particular, reminds me of why I need to get out and run, especially on the snuggly blankie days.
  2. Awesome people doing awesome things: especially those who dress up as stormtroopers while they run. Have you seen this guy? Fantastic. (Although I am glad to not be the one cleaning that uniform.) Dream big, folks.
  3. Positivity: especially positivity from those who understand what it’s like to be back-of-the-pack or a bigger runner. If you are either of those things, I encourage you to read those and any other articles you come across that make you feel good. Encourage yourself every day. If you are not either of those things, I still think they’re good reads. New perspective. Understanding. All good stuff.

Guess what? Tomorrow is Friday! And St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t forget your green, and celebrate safely.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

Tagged , , , , , ,

3/12/17: Sunday Runday

Technically, Saturday was my “Runday,” but I’ve still got some stuff I want to get out of my brain.

I ran a 14k yesterday. (That’s just about 8.7 miles.) It was just kinda okay. It was really cold and windy. The muscles from my feet up through my calves started spasming. At one point after the race, my toes literally curled under on my right foot, and I couldn’t figure out how to uncurl them. I’m not sure if it was from the cold, but I do know I had to walk most of the last 1.5 miles (bringing my pace wayyyy down).

 

File_006

Sent this pic to hubby along with a four letter word in all caps. You can take your own bets on what word it was.

 

I was last place in my age group. I was nearly last for the whole damn 14k. Most days, I have the energy to tell myself, “But hey, you’re out there doing it! YOU are your only competition! You’ve got a lot to be proud of.”

Yesterday, my brain wasn’t having it. I was so angry and spent a good chunk of the afternoon and evening in our hotel room: sore, tired, and wondering why I do this. Why do I pay money to travel to races, run until I want to barf or lie down, injure myself occasionally, and generally feel sort of miserable? Why do I do this if I’m not even “good” at it?

File_000

The truth is…I still can’t exactly explain it. I still don’t exactly know why. This thing, running, this thing I used to HATE in school (I was petrified of running the dreaded “mile” in school.) has become a savior for me. I can’t explain it, but most days I can feel it.

It’s going to get better. I’m going to get better. I have to believe that. I have to believe this isn’t “all” for me.” And I have to remember that even if it is, I still have a lot to be proud of. Back of the pack is okay. It’s more than okay. It means I still tried, and I did it, and I’m setting a good example for others, most importantly LJ.

 

File_000 (1)

There’s my reason.

 

I am okay.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

Tagged , , , , , , ,

2/7/17: Tasty Tuesday

Today’s Tasty Tuesday isn’t exactly what it has been in the past. Because this is what we ate tonight:

img_6067

Enter a caption

I’m putting it “out there,” because I want this blog to reflect my reality, whether that’s the fluffy happy stuff or the down-in-the-dumps, order-pizza-because-I-don’t-know-how-to-move kind of stuff. I am human. This is something that happens to me. This is how my body wants to cope with stress, and some days, I can’t push through it.

In particular, this kind of thing happens when I’m just worn out. Restless sleep has been my normal these past couple of weeks. A constant weight on my shoulders and chest is the anxiety that plagues me at most all hours. Between illness and other various stressors, I went into today feeling like I was barely keeping it together. I slept all of 4 hours last night, but I still crawled out of bed to greet the day with a run.

It was hard. I feel I have reverted to square one. Between the ice and junky weather, loss of endurance, and various aches and pains (some related to my injury, some not), I’ve gone up almost 2 minutes per mile. It.Makes.Me.Feel.Crazy.

But I knew without my run, I’d just feel crazier. So I did it anyway.

I came home to a sick baby. AGAIN! I am so, so tired of having a sick kid. I feel awful for her, and I can’t fix it. I hate missing work, and I hate feeling behind. And all of it takes the wind out of my sails.

But this morning, I was able to pick up those droopy sails and get through the day. Once she started feeling better, we played and danced and made art and sang. We watched movies and read a zillion books and just enjoyed each other’s company. Rather than trying to fix her troubles, I just tried to enjoy this extra time together.

img_6063

When I grabbed my phone, she literally asked, “Mom, are you turning on Snapchat?” I don’t know how this makes me feel. Don’t care. Cute kitty picture.

I fully believe I was able to do this because I ran this morning. It takes an edge off the anxiety, and it gives me even a momentary feeling of peace.

The slick pavement covered in shadows and black ice? That is my refuge. The crisp morning air that burns my lungs and leaves me wheezing a bit when I get back indoors? The burn is a reminder of what I can accomplish when I push through. The ache in my legs detracts from that weight on my shoulders.

Certainly, there have been darker days. I have dealt with them. I will continue to deal with them. There will be better days. I know this to be true, because I have lived it time and time again.

Just.Keep.Running.

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

2017-02-07

P.S. I wanted to lighten the mood a little. So here’s the face you make when you’re supposed to be sleeping but get caught reading instead. Mama is actually pretty proud.

Tagged , , , , ,