Tag Archives: Marathon

Clarity Lost and Sorta Found

This post is a raw and humbling one that I’ve tried to write with honesty. I don’t write it for pity. I write it as both an explanation and for other people who may be experiencing similar struggles. Forgive me, though, if it is muddled; it was difficult to accurately convey some really big feelings through a keyboard.


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I’ve been in hiding as far as this blog goes. I can’t tell you why I continue to get these big ideas that I can train and run and blog and be a “with it” kind of human being. Clearly, that’s just not in the cards for me right now. It gets to a point where I don’t even know what to say here. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I don’t know if I’m making a difference for others or for myself. And if I am making a difference for myself, is it negative?

It’s time to be transparent. I’ve fallen completely off the exercise wagon since mid-summer. I don’t feel my eating has been that terrible, but my exercise and training have been completely lacking. I am in a cycle of despising myself for not exercising and then not having the energy to get up in the morning because my mind has been filled with so much yuck.

I’ve gained 20 lbs in the last few months. That may sound like a lot to most people, but I’ve  fluctuated dramatically my whole life. I can have a 5 lb difference from one day to the next. So I hope this weight will come off as quickly as it came on.

I hate seeing pictures of myself or looking in the mirror. I know it is an image of my own doing, and again, it catches me up in that cycle of being mad at myself and feeling defeated.

I want to be transparent. I’ve been building myself back to a place where I’m documenting my nutrition and my training. I’m cleaning up, both literally and metaphorically…deep-cleaning my house (something else that I fall behind on when I’m in a funk) and sweeping the cobwebs from the nooks and crannies in my brain.

My goal is to have a completely documented log of what I ate and what I did and how I feel. I won’t bombard you with it every day, but I may do a weekly wrap-up to show my (hopefully) progress.

I’m so tired of feeling bad. I gave up on trying to feel good, but I think it’s just going to take a lot more pushing than I was able to give previously. Now, though? I’m feeling like I’m at that proverbial fork in the road. I want to head down a path to all-around health before it’s too late.

I will be transparent. And I hope you can be understanding and patient. I still expect to hit those big and little bumps in the road; I have to learn to be understanding and patient with myself, too.

If anyone else has found themselves in a place like I am, please feel free to get in touch. I think the best thing is knowing that we are not alone in our struggles, whether they be mental or physical, weight-related or otherwise. You are worth fighting for, through all the shit and “yuck” the world throws your way. And I’m going to try to believe I am, too.

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Talking to Yourself is A-Okay

Hey, we’re already to Tuesday! I hope your Monday wasn’t super painful or aggravating. Mine was…long, if I’m being honest. It was “bring your kiddo with pinkeye to work” day! Everyone’s favorite, right? I quarantined her and managed to contain her for most of the morning. (My fantastic father rearranged his schedule and took her for the afternoon. He is actually the best, in case you didn’t know.) I don’t like putting the iPad in front of her for long periods of time, but I’m also really REALLY thankful for the iPad.

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Yesterday was Boston! In the running world, that’s a BFD. Real big. I didn’t have a chance to catch much coverage because of aforementioned infected germbucket child. However, I have been watching Candice Huffine with much admiration for a while now. I’ve heard her on several podcasts, and she always leaves me with googly eyes. Yesterday was her marathon debut, and she rocked it! She is so strong and amazing, inside and out. I know she inspires me at moments I need it most, and I believe she does that for so many others. Congrats, Candice!

Whether you’re a runner or endurance athlete or someone just trying to get fitter/stronger, do you talk to yourself while you do it? I’m not necessarily talking about “out loud” conversations with yourself (though if that’s your thing, you do you). But do you spend time trying to pump yourself up inside your head? I’ve heard a lot lately about the power of mantras, and I remember motivating myself during the Twin Cities 10 Mile with the words “I am strong; I am light.” One word for each footfall.

I. Am. Strong. I. Am. Light. I. Am. Strong. I. Am. Light. I. Am. Strong. I. Am. Light.

This phrase was borrowed from one of my favorites, Dimity. And I think it worked. Many others feel that way, too. So whenever you’re going through something tough, whether it be a marathon or jogging to the end of the block or swimming an extra lap in the pool, positive self-talk can help you persevere.

Another piece of good news for runners: one hour of running can add seven hours to your lifespan, regardless of other factors (obesity, smoking, alcohol-use, etc.). Time to lace up and go!

Admittedly, I’m struggling. I am struggling to run and eat well/consistently. I am struggling to say my mantra and get myself going. I keep finding big reminders to be gentle and flexible with myself, though.

Regardless, this is a phase. I will get through it, and I think this week is already shaping up to be better! Hope you can say the same.

SHOP

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2/17/17: Friday Favorites

Happy post-Valentine’s Day, chickadees! Did you get your sugar fix? Or are you still all hopped up on the stuff? It has been a cuh-ray-zee few days in our world. I feel like I haven’t stopped going places and doing things for a few days now.

In the midst of a jam-packed Valentine’s Day, I did a thing. A scary thing. A “what have I done?” thing. I wasn’t really planning on sharing it quite yet, but there’s no time like the present to commit and blab all over social media (I guess?).

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That’s right. I registered for the Big Daddy of them all. The marathon. I have just under a year to train. And I’m nervous as all get-out. You may watch me crash and burn again, but you can bet I’m going to fight like hell for this one.

I’ll switch subjects now, because I’m sure you’ll hear plenty more about this coming up. I’m still processing the fact that I actually hit that “Register” button and all that it will mean for my life these next 11 months.

In slightly related news, we ran the Valentine’s Day 5k! As usual, Twin Cities in Motion put on a great event. I really enjoy their runs: the atmosphere, the organization, and the fun. They are definitely one of my Friday Favorites.

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Of course, we had to make our traditional post-Valentine’s Run Donut Run. To Glam Doll. Because they are Glam Doll. Donuts already give me googly eyes. Glam Doll donuts? They take it to an even higher level of hearts.

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Be still, my heart.

Above are the only two pictures I was able to take of our purchases. Because I ate my Matcha White Chocolate donut before I remembered to take a picture, so you’ll see it’s an empty bag. And I caught hubby in action as he ate his classic Starlet.

Early morning runs have been unseasonably warm this week. I won’t complain. I guess I did complain about my lunch run today, because it was TOO warm. In Minnesota. In February.

It’s just so much more soul-satisfying when I get my run done in the morning. Because I get some of my favorite views of this beautiful world we live in.

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All righty. A busy weekend awaits. I hope you all have a lovely one, whether you’re running trails or running errands or just relaxing (make sure to do some relaxing).

Read on. Run on.
Cassie

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